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Friendships are Conditional

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Friendships are Conditional

...even if the conditions are unspoken

Arinze Obiezue
Apr 4, 2021
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Friendships are Conditional

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This newsletter features weekly musings about life, career, identity, and behaviour by a questioning African centennial. To get it in your inbox every week, subscribe here:


Friendships are Conditional

This week, I will be experimenting with a ~500-word piece to test whether longer or shorter pieces work better. Let's go!

The song I listened to the most this week got me thinking a lot about friendship (see bottom of this newsletter) and the conditions that uphold them. 

Most of us say that we're friends with people just because we connect with them or that they make us happy. We strongly deny that we expect anything from friends of ours, not even in the form of reciprocity.

Basically, we argue that our friendships are unconditional and that expecting to gain things from our friendships would make them disingenuous. But is that really true?

In the song I was listening to this week, Ella Henderson sang in the chorus: 

"Friends, with you 'til the end

Fix you, help you mend, when it gets tough

And when you're scared, they're gon' be right there

So hold onto your friends, friends"

That verse so beautifully captures the value of great friendships. In the second line, it hints at what Ella values a lot in her friendships—emotional support.

A few weeks ago, I posted a tweet challenging the idea of loving your friends with just words without backing up those words with tangible action:

Twitter avatar for @heyarinze
Arinze Obiezue @heyarinze
"I love you" is great, but here's how to really let your friends know you love them: - buy their products - help them get jobs - invest in their businesses - connect them to relevant people - follow & engage w/ their content - stay up late listening to their rants A few ideas.
2:11 PM ∙ Mar 19, 2021
197Likes76Retweets

I got some flak about it from people who argued that such capitalistic thinking misses the point of friendship in the first place. But does it?

What is a friendship if not a mutually beneficial relationship between people who care about each other? If there’s no benefit to either person in the friendship, what’s the point of it?

One mistake we make is to assume that because we simply want friends we can “chill with,” we don’t have any expectations of our friendships. By assuming that, we fail to see the underlying expectation of our friends to be interesting enough for us to enjoy being around them. 

We also expect them to be similar enough to us for us to have common ground upon which we can build our conversations around. It’s not as fun to “chill with” someone we disagree with on a lot of things. So, we expect some degree of conformity from our friends. Is that not, in itself, a subconscious expectation?

There are different things that shape the expectations that underscore our friendships, which also vary with each person.

For some people, the condition of their friendship is that you provide them with emotional support. For others, it’s that you be in the same social class, or that you be someone who’s on a similar path to greatness, or that you be someone they can learn from, or that you even be someone who actively invests in them.

Basically, different strokes for different folks. But either way, the truth seems to be that no friendship is built without terms and expectations, spoken or unspoken.

For our friendships to last, we must identify what matters to our friends and figure out how we can meet as many of their expectations as we can.

Friendships are valuable because they rejuvenate us and give us a space to be our realest selves. But they also often come with additional conditions that, if not clarified, could jeopardize those friendships.

It's our responsibility to communicate those expectations with our friends and also try to live up to our friends' expectations. That's how friendships stay alive: by giving everyone in the friendship a reason to stay.


Personal Picks

Currently reading 📖 

  • ‘Chaos Monkeys: Mayhem and Mania Inside the Silicon Valley Money Machine’ – Antonio Garcia Martinez (still reading)

A song I’ve been playing on repeat this week 🎶

  • Friends - Ella Henderson

An article that got me thinking 📜

  • didn’t find anything interesting this week 😤

Quote of the Week

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Friendships are Conditional

www.arinze.page
7 Comments
Elliot John
Apr 4, 2021Liked by Arinze Obiezue

thank you for this. navigating friendships isn’t easy.

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1 reply by Arinze Obiezue
ENTPxSlytherin
Apr 5, 2021Liked by Arinze Obiezue

Hey, Arinze. I've always had this opinion. A major reason why friends grow apart is because the expectations had are no longer needed. Consider two classmates with distinct experiences and interests growing apart post-graduation. After school, there wasn't a need to maintain the friendship and nothing worth their time to talk about.

While this might raise a storm, I also believe romantic relationships are not unconditional.

I enjoy your thought process. This was well thought out. However, I would appreciate if you said a thing or two about how it is my responsibility to communicate my expectations in a friendship. I'd also like to know how it would work and look like exactly.

I'm sorry you didn't find anything interesting this week. Would you like something to think about?

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1 reply by Arinze Obiezue
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